even though i've been cooped up at home for the past week and a half, i feel as though i have come to peace with myself, maybe for only a short while. a self-induced bout of madness from my awful enclosure? perhaps. but i really do feel calm. of course my nutshell still feels empty from time to time, but i have forced myself to spend time painting and sewing, all the while watching french films and listening to good music. m83 has crept back into my playlists, and i think i want to focus on shoegaze and french pop for my radio show... that is if i am assigned a decent time slot. fingers are still crossed.

something about home is so dull, but then there is that eerie sweetness about it-- not precisely a feeling of nostalgia, but a feeling of memory in the present. i often find myself thinking about the past life i've had here. i feel so much regret. but through these past days of silence and solitude the regret has slowly been fading into the sea-foam green of my walls, bubbling up into cream and light and sharp little corners. i'm not forgetting anything, just coming to terms with my mind.

and yet i am forgetting.

i looked up what it means to dream about losing teeth the other day. apparently i am terrified of making the transition into adulthood. how right my subconscious is. i am terrified. after being overwhelmed with one loss i don't feel that i can handle another one, especially the loss of something even closer. i know i'm losing the person i was as a child. people always say that when you mature you simply build upon the child you were, and i suppose that is right in a few respects, but there comes a point when you realize that life is fleeting and that youth is indeed wasted on the young. since i was about seven i recognized the fact that i was fallible and that life was breakable, but now that i am an adult i feel it. i physically feel the weight of time on my soul. i long for that unbearable lightness of being. everything was once so beautiful and mystifying; how could i have become so sedated?

despite this revelation of loss, i find peace in my recognition of what is happening. sorry for my rambling. i just feel... put together for once.