ok ok.

so i know i'm conceited.

i just thought this looked kind of cool.

'burninating the countryside--

burninaing the peasants--

burninating all the people---

and their thatched-roof cottages!

thatch-roofed cottages!

.....

and the trogdor comes in the

NIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHTTTT!'

-trogdor, strongbad

because i am stupid and re-watching all of the strongbad emails.

so i'm on my own now.

it's quite exciting, actually.

because this is the happiest thing i have ever seen.

try not to smile.

just try.

ok.

so today i would like to take a minute to rant about something seemingly unimportant. lately i have noticed that gap is doing some outrageous advertising for its new jeans that are supposedly the best fitting jeans in the world. last saturday i noticed four full pages of the new york times style section were devoted to their new campaign, and today i flipped through elle's fall fashion issue to find that four pages of the magazine was for gap jeans. and there was a pullout! a seven panel, double-sided pullout! this is big news! and they aren't using some no-name face-in-the-making model either. gap has featured fourteen different models in the new jeans campaign, including anja rubik and isabeli fontana. that's a big deal! i know they're not the freshest, but this can't be a cheap campaign by any means. something weird is going on, or at least i think it is strange. with all of the 'hot' jean designers out there now, i don't see how gap can compete or expect to compete. i also know that this is a time of recession and budgeting, but i don't think the gap's extravagant ads will change the minds of many. the ads are simply pesky.

also...

in elle, gucci had an ad for their fall '09 line featuring natasha poly, and as i was admiring all of the beautiful sequining, i noticed that the model in the middle of the right page of the spread had a nose ring. i was quite surprised, obviously. but pleasantly surprised. sure, males are allowed to have their piercings when portraying a harder look, but women have (for the most part) remained un-pierced. maybe it's because heavy metals are in season right now or that rock and roll is once again becoming an unstoppable force in fashion, but this piercing caught me quite off-guard. and it's so small. it's barely noticeable. maybe the stylists were aiming for subtlety. i dunno.

(oh, and i have bought this sunday's ny times. yes, yes, i know it was the annual women's fashion issue, but i must say that i was not impressed. well, i suppose i was, but i was not as impressed as i imagined i would be. that is confusing. t magazine did not live up to my expectations this time, especially since it was their fifth anniversary or whatever. and i felt so stupid because it featured this fabulous lace body suit i almost bought in atlanta on friday. gah. i could have had that splendid thing. oh well.)

here's the picture. just pretend like you can see the little silver loop. it's on the left side of her nose. sorry my webcam gives such poor quality pictures.

it gathered her up--- the largest thing in the world--- and attempted to drown her. she though it was silly, this enormous mass and forceful undertow mimicking her emotions, pulling her back only to expose her to the sharp air again. it was a rough cycle, and she flounced, tousled, imbibed the salt that crawled over her and pressed against her naked skin. although it was harsh, she enjoyed the warmth, the similarity she had been missing; the repetition raked her back with sand-streaked strokes. and as she tossed amid the crests, her fingers reached out, grabbing at the other side, feeling for a presence in return. but her life was empty. no one could return her lost touch. her fingers sank, fistfuls of foam being pushed into her mouth, crowded into her withered eyes.

and guess what? it's another sad song, america... world.

i am ready to be away from everything.

1: about 60% of what i listen to is real music.

2: which is great. 60% of what i listen to is noise.

1: haha it's probably more than 60%. the thing i like most is that there are so many interpretations of classical pieces, and therefore an endless number of ways to play them.

2: yeah. there is something so wonderfully malleable yet concrete about live music, especially classical music. i absolutely love live music. it makes me so tingly just thinking about some of the things i've been to. and it's so sad because i know i'll never ever have the opportunity to relive that experience. darn time. haha

1: i know what you mean. when i went to see this one guy, he played the fourth chopin ballade. it was absolutely breathtaking.

2: have you ever cried because of something like that?

1: no.

1: my lack of soul does not permit such.

2: a soul is a terrible thing to waste, you know.

so.

some people are just assholes,

and others are completely and utterly beautiful.

so et and i spent this afternoon rummaging through the salvation army. we made several wonderful buys. he bought this strange yet awesome art piece made out of cards and maybe a hat. i don't know if he bought it or not because i did not see him wearing it.... anyways, i bought a very cute satchel-like bag and a black woven belt because the tan and brown one that i already have does not match any of my current wardrobe. i have noticed that everything i wear now is some variant of blue, grey, black, or white. which is nice, i suppose. i mean, i do like color, but i feel that this color palette suits my current mood and situation. blah blah blah sooooo we found this adorable yet old polaroid camera. however, since kodak has ceased to produce film, we had to track down some affordable polaroid film. the camera itself cost only $1.39, but the film was ridiculously priced at $25. for ten exposures, nonetheless. despite this outrageous price gouging, i believe it was a good buy. we are now eagerly tracking down all of our friends and photographing them. or at least we are trying to.

this was actually a tremendously fun afternoon.

thank you, et.

i hope our pictures develop well.

this makes me miss my hair.

i always thought you were gorgeous, but you have become absolutely radiant my love.

you don't belong in our time.

this was a post on someone's picture, and i just thought it was the nicest thing ever.

the end.

vi) she wandered for seasons,

ignoring the remembrance,

unable to look at it or speak its name

knowing that the water had trickled back

to the source.

and as if by accident it fell,

tipped over the edge,

jumping from her grasp.

and the soil met the water--

black and soft and thirsty,

leaving her to pat the cold, empty ground.

oh.

i am just getting so sad again.

everybody’s born with some different thing at the core of their existence. and that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. i have one too, of course. like everybody else. but sometimes it gets out of hand. it swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. what i’d really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. but i can’t seem to do it. they just don’t get it. of course, the problem could be that i’m not explaining it very well, but i think it’s because they’re not listening very well. they pretend to be listening, but they’re not, really. so i get worked up sometimes, and i do some crazy things.

-haruki murakami

'i'm becoming softer and softer.'

that's it.

that's what it is.

because yesterday was so wonderful, tonight i am on the downward fall.

oh, my heart hurts.

my nutshell in my chest is empty, and i know that i won't have anyone to fill it for a long time.

that makes it feel even emptier.

yesterday i went to a local show, but it i was just so out of it.

i mean, it was pretty good, but i just felt like i was made out of air last night.

i am so sick and tired of everyone trying to be cool and trying to make connections and trying to be at the right place at the right time and taking pictures in public and selling their art and wearing the 'right' clothes and knowing the 'right' stuff and just... gah.

i need my transcendentalist.

please.

my friend sent me the most wonderful story about how she and another friend just talked about what's important in life.

i remember i once told someone very close that they cared about the right things in life-- the things that were truly important. i didn't want to say culture or art because those things are important but they're just a mass of things that can be crappy or wonderful. i don't know how to explain it. i think what's important is being able to sense and know that there are things out there outside of us.

and that doesn't make any sense either.

'if you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to loose.'

-bukowski

oh again. i know. i know.

that's the only way i can think to explain it.

let's just hope that those little pieces of soul or whatever it is that makes us feel this way will light the way to others like ourselves.

i just feel so simultaneously heavy and empty.

i was so happy tonight.

being able to make red blood cells again makes me really happy.

...because every time i watch this i always get that rush of i don't even know what that i get when i see live music.

every time.

it's on the stupid television! how is that even possible?