tonight has sufficiently been THE most awkward night of my life.

i will certainly enjoy trying to top this.

fuck that shit.

you don't need it.

sorry for the language.

i have also resolved to blog every day.

these posts may be a bit mundane, but i think i need to do it again.

thanks, audrey, for inspiring me.

this is probably the most inelegant way to showcase his work, but visit the website i posted about below, and you'll be blown away.

everything is just... extraordinary.

this is absolutely amazing work.

will post pictures soon.

http://davidmaisel.com/default.asp

i'm going to start writing you letters again.

now i know where to send them.

sumi-e

sumi-e

sumi-e

oh, the things i have to tell you!

visit me again.

i want to chat.

so i watched beetle juice the other night.

what a wonderful movie!

winona as lydia is so iconic, and back in the day alec baldwin was just adorable.

(what happened, alec? what happened????)

last night was completely awful.

everything was going so well and i was having a great time... then my stomach decided to rip itself up from the inside.

i haven't thrown up in close to three years.

my record's destroyed now, i guess.

and just in time to the new semester!

body, i just love you!!!

god.

i'm just dying.

you're the best, you know?

i almost forgot about this, but i have a dream to record before it fades away.

last night i had such a marvelous dream. it was not only marvelous-- it was heartbreaking.

it began when i walked into my old high school, but instead of a school it was also a dorm and a ymca, complete with its own graveyard (this is dreamland, remember?).

i had to run to each graveyard and locate the tombs of several specific people and then head back inside before i could enter the pool.

and when i walked into the ymca aquatics area, i saw several of my friends sitting in a hot tub. and against the wall sat the person i miss more than anything in the world. the person whose death marked the end of my childhood, the person whom i could confide in. and somehow i knew that i only had a few hours with him.

and i just couldn't stop crying.

all of these visitation dreams are so wonderful.

it was beautiful.

things were alive and moving and even though it broke my heart, it reminded me that i had one.

thank you so much for the visit.

i know you're being taken care of.

thank goodness i'm back at school.

i love my family, but there are only so many days in a row i can take of my dog in our house alone all day. everything is so... alive here.

this is such a nerdy thing to say, but learning truly is a pleasure.

classes are going to be amazing this semester.

i finally got into that medieval art and architecture class!

hope everyone else has a genuinely inspiring semester!

i'm tired of everyone else's infatuations.

i just want to smack some other people upside the head.

and no, audrey, i don't mean you.

i love that you love.

i didn't mean to get mad at you tonight.

i just can't stop crying.

even though i've been cooped up at home for the past week and a half, i feel as though i have come to peace with myself, maybe for only a short while. a self-induced bout of madness from my awful enclosure? perhaps. but i really do feel calm. of course my nutshell still feels empty from time to time, but i have forced myself to spend time painting and sewing, all the while watching french films and listening to good music. m83 has crept back into my playlists, and i think i want to focus on shoegaze and french pop for my radio show... that is if i am assigned a decent time slot. fingers are still crossed.

something about home is so dull, but then there is that eerie sweetness about it-- not precisely a feeling of nostalgia, but a feeling of memory in the present. i often find myself thinking about the past life i've had here. i feel so much regret. but through these past days of silence and solitude the regret has slowly been fading into the sea-foam green of my walls, bubbling up into cream and light and sharp little corners. i'm not forgetting anything, just coming to terms with my mind.

and yet i am forgetting.

i looked up what it means to dream about losing teeth the other day. apparently i am terrified of making the transition into adulthood. how right my subconscious is. i am terrified. after being overwhelmed with one loss i don't feel that i can handle another one, especially the loss of something even closer. i know i'm losing the person i was as a child. people always say that when you mature you simply build upon the child you were, and i suppose that is right in a few respects, but there comes a point when you realize that life is fleeting and that youth is indeed wasted on the young. since i was about seven i recognized the fact that i was fallible and that life was breakable, but now that i am an adult i feel it. i physically feel the weight of time on my soul. i long for that unbearable lightness of being. everything was once so beautiful and mystifying; how could i have become so sedated?

despite this revelation of loss, i find peace in my recognition of what is happening. sorry for my rambling. i just feel... put together for once.

last night i had another dream about losing all of my teeth.

i just kept spitting and spitting them out.

and they were sharp

and bloody

and broken.

it didn't hurt, though.

each one would pop out and join in the stream of blood and saliva

painlessly.